losing to urself

when that one thing which keep u from falling apart is gone it feel like you'be been torn down into pieces.i lost my strength.i am totally weak and pathetic


In the end,it is only YOU who are there for me~~

"you can get through this"

"No, I WILL get through this. I don’t care how how strong the storm is. I don’t care how loud the thunder may be, or how bright the lightening is. I will not give up. This is just a bumpy path in life that cant go on forever.
I may trip and fall, but I will ALWAYS get right back up… And don’t you dare try to say you’re here for me, don’t you dare ask if I want to talk… I’ve heard it all before. I just have been disappointed and hurt… Left alone.. If you want to help, just hug me as tight as you can. I don’t want your advice, I don’t want your opinion I don’t want to hear you understand, cause you DO NOT know my exact feelings. Just let me cry, and cry, and cry until I can’t shed another tear.. But especially do not tell me I can get through this.. I already am getting through it. One single step at a time. I may just break, but I will get right back up. I promise you.

It will get better, I know it will. Don’t tell me I can get through this, I already am getting through."-quoted

All i need is the courage for me to get through all this and i have had just enough courage which i gathered from the hurt and pain(this is very true indeed),,i want to see myself in the end getting the victory,,i told myself to hold on again n again,,and i wont ever stop despite peoples who often looked down upon me and being ignorant,...i believe the time will come when every single things is resolved,,until then i will just keep waiting,,Bismillahitawakkaltu 'alallah,,

27th July 2012

27th of July 2012
Perginya  seorang insan yang  ku kenali sebagai "Chik" buat selama-lamanya..
Insan itu sangat bermakna buat ibu.Insan itu adalah 'Chik',adik kesayangan ibu..
Dua orang meninggalkan ibu pada hari yang sama.
Chik meninggalkan ibu untuk pergi menghadap Sang Pencipta.
Aku meningalkan ibu di kampung untuk kesekian kalinya setelah cuti semester tamat.
Kedua-duanya pergi pada hari yang sama.


Di saat Chik meninggal ibu berpesan,dengan deraian air mata dan esak tangis yang dapat kudengar tika suara sedu sedan ibu bergema dihujung talian.Pesanan ibu itu cukup terkesan kali ini,sehingga ia terngiang-ngiang dibenak kepala tanpa henti,pesanan itu cukup sayu hingga menyebabkan air mata yang tertahan akhirnya tumpah jua.Saat Chik meninggal,ibu sedar,dengan sebenar-benar kesedaran,betapa dirinya tak betah lagi mengejar sang duniawi,dengan air mata penyesalan kerana merasakan seluruh hidupnya diabdikan kepada sang duniawi,sedang akhirat kerap dilupa.Ibu menyalahi dirinya.Katanya, dia gagal,gagal sebagai seorang pendidik,gagal sebagai seorang ibu,walhal ibu yang aku kenal itu sudah cukup solehah dimataku,tapi masih hatinya berkata ia gagal sebagai seorang pendidik.

Di saat Chik meninggal,ibu sedar dirinya hanya fakir yang tidak berharta apatah lagi bekalan untuk bertemu dengan Sang Pencipta kelak,walhal ibu yang aku kenal itulah saban hari tidak pernah putus beribadat,ibu mengaji,ibu solat sunat,ibu baca quran semerdu yang boleh,sehingga rumah kosong kami bergema dengan alunan bacaan Quran dari ibu,ibu itu jugalah yang sentiasa tidak putus mendoakan anak-anak dan suaminya,ibu itu juga lah yang begitu tegar untuk tidak menitiskan sebarang air mata tatkala rumah yang selama ini mejadi tempat berlindung hangus tanpa sisa meninggalkan keluarganya sehelai sepinggang,ibu itu bangun disepertiga malam untuk sujud menadah meminta kasih dan keampunan dari Yang Esa,dan ibu itu jualah yang merasakan dirinya gagal sebagai seorang ibu dan pendidik.

Tidak bagiku ibu.Kau insan terbaik dimata hatiku,selamanya dunia dan akhirat.InsyaAllah,akan ku pegang pesanan dan amanatmu hingga tiba saat dimana malaikat maut datang untuk menjemputku..

 “Wahai tuhan kami, berilah keampunan kepadaku dan kepada kedua ibu bapaku dan kepada semua orang mukmin pada hari terjadinya hisab.” (Surah Ibrahim, ayat 41)

Firman Allah bermaksud: “Dan hendaklah engkau merendah diri kepada kedua-duanya kerana belas kasihan dan kasih sayangmu dan doakanlah (untuk mereka) – ” Wahai tuhanku, cucurilah rahmat kepada mereka berdua seperti mereka telah mencurahkan kasih sayangnya dengan memelihara dan mendidikku semasa kecil.” (Surah al-Isra’, ayat 24)

For my beloved mom,,

Dear mom,,

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you


You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

2012,4th sem,,

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

its been ages since i last wrote here,,

*sigh*

my chest feels as tight as ever,,as if i'm holding a weight on it,,

the truth is that i keep missing my family especially my mom and my little irfan,,

with the holiday ended,me-returned to the college-again back to my oldself-a lonely girl yet i hardly show it-while the fact is that i feel like i cant hold on any longer,,i miss my mom,i do really miss her,i miss her to the point of exhaustion,i miss her like crazy,i miss her damn much,,your awful daughter is missing u like hell mom :( i want to call her but yet i;m afraid my tears will burst the moment i hear her voice,,what should i do then??i dont want her to know that i'm missing her like hell,,and that i'm crying every single day without a single one knowing,i dont want her to worries about me,,i'm such an awful daughter,i'm not more than just like a little kids who is crying when he doesnt see his mom around him,,mom,,i'm just afraid that i will not have enough strength to go through this,,for all this while i was just pretending to be a strong one while in fact my heart is crying like hell and i feel as if the things i went off everyday keep tearing me apart,,what should i do mom?do i have to keep pretending to be strong till the end?i just felt that i would have been stronger and not pretending to be strong if i have u close by me,,because i know it too much,,i get that kind of courage when u r close to me mom,,u r my greatest strength after all mom,,u r the reasons for what i'm doing right now,,u're the reasons why i keep holding on till today,,YA ALLAH,,jadikanlah aku penyabar dan tabah dgn setiap dugaanMu,,

fake it till u make it!!

i hope i will have just enough strength to hold on till the end~~

doakanlah anakmu ini ibu~~

bantulah hambaMu yang lemah lagi xberdaya ini YA ALLAH~~